Musing in PDX

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I’m feeling awfully grateful this morning for Andrew. I was just relaying to him last night that I’ve never–NEVER–had anyone love me and express it so completely to me the way he does. And it’s not like I’ve been holed up away from men my entire life. It just so happens that it took me thirty-odd something years to meet a man who treats me the way I want to be treated.

This vacation we just took was remarkable in many ways. I ended up catching a cold of some sort while at the beach, yet Andrew never missed a beat. He took care of me, and Loon. I was amazed at the responsibility he took for Loon. It was like I got a vacation from taking care of her old dog needs too. We still managed to get some intimacy in, although not as much as I would have liked, but heck, I was sick. What are you gonna do? But even those few moments of intimacy were telling– I feel so incredibly desirable around Andrew. Granted I still battle my own self-esteem/body issues, but when I’m with him, it’s like all that fades away.

Andrew is different in so many ways. I feel like, in the past, I’ve picked men who are “fixers.” Meaning they like to fix things. Fix can be defined in many ways: repairing, consulting, adjusting, improving, re-aligning, and even breaking apart and reassembling. My ex was definitely a fixer. Now granted, there are times I miss that fix-it know-how, especially when it comes to my own house– I’d like to have someone around to fix all the things I can’t (or honestly, not interested in) fix myself. But with that “I can fix anything” attitude, there was also an underlying “I can fix you” too. I don’t need fixing. I’m not perfect by any means, but I am who I am. While Andrew can fix things if you give him the right tools, he doesn’t appear to be interested in fixing ME. And likewise, I’ve reached the age in my life where I’m not interested in molding him or fixing him into what *I* think he needs to be. I love him for who he is. And who exactly is he? Well, I’ve already mentioned how loving he is. It’s just… astounding how loving and caring he is. He’s smart in ways I’m not. Even just hanging out with friends over the weekend, he always offered an insight that the rest of us hadn’t considered. He’s so well-read. I’ve a horrible memory in many ways, like I can read a book and within about 2 weeks forget major plot points. He retains so much information in his noggin. I suppose it has to do with a lot of the research he does for his screenwriting, taking and piecing together bits of information he reads along the way. (Case in point: it was interesting to see him respectfully contradict a friend this past weekend, when said friend insisted what he was saying was right; a google search later proved that Andrew was right– O3 is ozone.) Andrew is not one to blurt out his opinion without thinking, in an effort to talk over everyone. I’ve seen him sit in quiet consideration many times before, only to bring up a point maybe hours later. He’s seen some difficult sides of me, and hasn’t retreated. Case in point: he saw me throw a remarkably immature tantrum this past weekend while playing Scrabble. I freely admit that I don’t like playing games where I feel I have NO chance of winning, and let’s face it, Andrew excels at Scrabble. Anyways, he saw me get crabby, and thankfully didn’t hold it against me (I also apologized for my childish behavior too). He readily gives me compliments, not in an effort to boost my sometimes-listing confidence, but just because that’s how he’s feeling at the given moment. I do the same thing for him too– I hope he recognizes that!

But more than anything, he’s such an incredibly compassionate human being. He really does think of others, I would even say sometimes to the detriment of his own self-advancement, but he’s not a shrinking violet either.

I’m hoping to see him again this coming May. He might try to come down my way for my birthday, or I may end up heading up there for his father’s 80th birthday. It’s been a while since I’ve been to Vancouver, and I miss it terribly. Terribly.

Regardless, I love him so much.

Ahh, just got back from a much-needed getaway to the Oregon coast with a GREAT group of friends, along with Andrew. He just left to go home this morning. Wow, you’d think I’d have gotten used to this farewell moment we have every time, whether it’s me leaving or lately, him leaving. It’s still terribly hard to say goodbye. I know this feeling will pass in a day or two, as I get back into my “single girl” routine, yet here I sit on the couch typing up this post tearfully.

I still have the rest of this week off from work, which I need. Plan to get some major stuff done around the house, including a massive spring cleaning, and thinking about some new plants for the front garden bed.

Namaste, y’all.

Good Lord, if it’s not one thing, it’s another, right?  Being a grown-up sucks ass sometimes.

I am exhausted. I can’t blame it on constant working out, or lack of sleep, or anything else.  What I can blame it on is myself and how I choose to react to certain situations.  Truth is, work has been complete and utter hell for about 6 months now.  There are politics at play which make it pretty futile for me to make any positive adjustments at the moment.  I also made the decision to let my web developer go in December, after years of shitty web work and lack of communication from him.  I don’t regret letting him go; I do regret the avalanche of work that is on me now, and the fact that the University can’t pony up enough money to pay a salary for a qualified person to fill the position.  Hell, they don’t pay ME enough as it is.

So what to do?  I’m trying to get back into yoga, I’ve taken up kettle bell training, trying to spin when I can.  I pet my old dog a lot when I’m home.  Unfortunately, I’ve been drinking a lot more, but hey, sometimes it helps.  I talk to my friends and Andrew a lot.  I’m going to acupuncture on Friday.  I’ve got a week off in April and headed to the coast with Andrew and friends. I’m bringing in a contractor to pick up some of my extra work. I’m looking for new opportunities all the time and sending out resumes. I try to make sure my non-work time is happy, fulfilling time.

It’s hard though.  It’s really fucking hard.

Namaste, y’all.

Oh, and enjoy some new tuneage from Free Energy.

So most of these versions, while some are holiday standards, were mostly new to my ears (with the exception of the XTC and Lennon songs).  Enjoy!

1. Best Coast/Wavves – Got Something for You

2. XTC – Thanks for Christmas

3. Summer Camp – Christmas Wrapping

4. Sharon Jones and the Dap Kings – Ain’t No Chimneys in the Projects

5. Crocodiles and Dum Dum Girls – Merry Christmas, Baby (Please Don’t Die)

6. The Raveonettes – Come On, Santa

7. Deanna Kirk – You’re a Mean One, Mr. Grinch

8. The Maytals – Happy Christmas

9. Manic Street Preachers – Ghost of Christmas

10. The Late Greats – Sleigh Ride

11. Blood Feathers – Christmas Will Help You Feel OK

12. Slow Club – Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)

13. The Boy Least Likely To – Christmas Isn’t Christmas

14. Findlay Brown – Last Christmas

15. The Mynabirds – All I Want is Truth (for Christmas)

16. The Weepies – All That I Want

17. Blitzen Trapper – Christmas is Coming Soon

18. Daphne Loves Derby – Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

19. Lucky Soul – Lonely This Christmas

20. John Lennon and Yoko Ono – Happy Xmas (War is Over)

Download link: http://dl.dropbox.com/u/1023523/christmas2011.rar

My hand on his chest.
The sound of laughter.
The childlike countenance as he slumbers.
His hand on the small of my back.
The gentle way he kisses my cheek.
His name rolling off my tongue.
The way he purses his lips while deep in thought.
The feeling of security standing next to him.
His creative genius.
The way Loon greets him.
Our long talks, discussions and debates.
Cooking together while the music plays.
Having him hold me and wipe my tears away.
The cute way his car fits in my garage… GRAJ… Gare-AJ.
Our friends.
Long walks in the woods, and long drives in the rain.
How he thinks it’s cute when I’m in my sockfeet and have big, bad, 80s bed-hair.

This is love.

Been a little while, right?  Doesn’t mean I haven’t been musing on my own time.  But there’s something that has been on my mind a while now, and I’ve not really discussed it here, except fleetingly.

These Occupy movements have me riveted.  On one level, I’m excited by it.  I’ve felt for a while now, that the country in general has been in a stupor, much like that lethargy you feel after hoovering down Thanksgiving dinner.  We’ve allowed so many transgressions to pass by unchecked, and now we find ourselves in a horrible economy, and with no real answers.  I’ve never been one to assign blame to anyone for my own shortcomings, but this is different.  I’ve got friends who have been looking for work for over 2 years now (on the plus side, I got word that a friend who had been looking for almost THREE years finally got a job).  And honestly, I know I’m one major medical catastrophe or layoff away from financial disaster myself– and this is coming from someone who has diligently planned for her financial future.  Thing is, most of us Americans are in the same boat.  So yes, I think these Occupy movements are wonderful in that they’re finally waking people up, asking them to question, making a spectacle of the situation, forcing the media to cover it (we could debate on how they’re covering it is positive or not, but that’s another argument for another day), and  hopefully encouraging people to really consider who they vote for in the future.

Then there’s the other side of the coin.  I realize this is a grass-roots movement that doesn’t have a lot of money backing it up with PR managers, organizers and lists of demands.  Because of that, I sometimes wonder what they’re trying to accomplish.  Granted, the Portland protestors have been mostly non-violent, but we had a couple of vandalism cases this past weekend at nearby banks (it most likely was done by no one associated with the movement, but see my comment on lack of PR management).  Unfortunately, the Occupy PDX movement has turned into a ragtag assemblage of conscientious protestors and some less savory components– namely the homeless, the drug addicted, the prostitutes.  Not saying that they don’t have a right to be there, but their reasons for being there are probably not as virtuous as the other protestors (I’ve heard the Occupy folks have been providing free food and medical coverage for everyone, which is wonderful and certainly magnanimous– I suppose it’s something that should be provided to everyone really, not just Occupy folks).  And I’ve read about other cities having less than savory results from their protests.  I don’t condone violence and destruction, and if it were my friend’s store who had a window broken?  Of course, I’d be upset and concerned, but when it’s Whole Foods?  Sorry, I don’t feel sorry for a corporate giant that probably spends more money disposing of food they don’t sell than any philanthropic endeavors they pursue.

It all boils down to greed, really.  People who make over $500k a year are being greedy.  I’m not asking anyone to share their wealth with me; I’m just asking that maybe Wall Street bankers don’t deserve a six-figure “bonus” while we’re in financial collapse.  I’m asking that corporations consider moral obligations instead of constantly focusing on the bottom line.  I’m asking that we redefine our campaign financing and place limits on how PACs and lobbyists work in Washington. And I also think we, as a country, need to redefine what “wealth” and “success” means.  Success doesn’t necessarily mean everyone gets a pony.  It doesn’t even mean that you get an Escalade, or 4000 sf estate, or a 5 star vacation every year.

I think back to my childhood.  My dad worked; my mom was a stay-at-home mom.  My dad sent my 2 sisters and I to college (public colleges, but still).  We always had food on our table.  There were times my mom made our clothes or took us to the outlet to buy our clothes, but there were also times we got to go to the mall to get nicer clothes. My parents gave us all cars to drive after high school graduation (used cars, but still, our own cars). We tried to go on family vacations every year, mostly down to Florida– some of the places we went were very nice, some were not so nice when money was tighter.  But we went. I remember a time when my dad had to go work in St. Louis for nearly a year, because his job in Atlanta was in jeopardy; he did it.  So yeah, it wasn’t always rosey growing up, but as a family, we were always together and on the same page.  And along with all that, my parents instilled a strong work ethic in all of us, and at least for me, made me want to work hard for my money and do well for myself.  And I’m fine right now.  I pay my mortgage.  I get to eat out more than I probably should.  I enjoy nice bottles of wine, and have had some amazing vacations. But my house isn’t huge. My vacations aren’t ostentatious and overly exotic. I try to buy wine in bulk to save money or join wine clubs. I’m successful, but I’m not greedy.  There’s a BIG difference.

An addendum:

In a bit of a strange mood tonight, but it’s not bad. It was a busy day at work, and a very low-key relaxed evening at home with my old dog.  Me and my old lady.

I’m going to take a much-needed vacation soon, and I’m looking forward to forgetting about my problems for a little while.  Not like my problems are anything particularly worrisome– typical white whine bullshit.

I’ve been running in the mornings before work, while it’s still dark, and the weather is starting to turn now.  It rained a little this past weekend, so the sidewalks were wet this morning, with some early fall leaves; I had to be careful not to slip on the pavement.  But I must say that this morning– dark, damp, cool– it gave me a lot of time to think.  It reminded me of the long ruminations I’d have on bike rides.  I still have those ruminations on bike rides, but these days I’m usually riding with other people, and that doesn’t leave me a lot of time to stay inside myself.

I was thinking just a little while ago… I’ve only had 2 true loves in my life.   The first one, well, that one didn’t work out for various reasons I’ve dissected in many a past blog post.  The second one is still alive and kicking.  The second one is still very much an integral part of my very being. The second one reminds me of all the things I missed out on the first time around– intimacy, trust, beauty– all the things I dreamt about as a young girl, when I wondered when my Prince Charming would arrive, and in what form.

So this is all over the place– waxing about my boring home life with my old dog, trying to run in the morning and thinking too much, and being grateful for Andrew, the man who reminds me that love can be even better the second time around.    So see?  My problems, while still existing, are very minimal.  I’m still looking forward to some time away, and hopefully, time spent appreciating all that is good in my life.

Peace, y’all.

Wow, long time, no post.  Just wanted to share something that made me think… I’m a member of a group on Facebook that honors a friend who passed away suddenly a couple of years ago.  It sounds morbid, but some folks recently updated the page, and it’s more of a “let’s share our awesome memories of him” forum.  Someone posted this:

Why do you care about that?

Something T used to ask me a lot. At first it was rhetorical mechanism, like “You shouldn’t care about that,” but then one night when we were being silly, we took it further and seriously. “Why DO you care about that?”

Whatever that was. It was an inside joke.  I doubt he’d remember it if he were still here, but it’s forever part of my internal monologue, not as an imperative disguised as a question (like: you shouldn’t care about that.) But as an imperative to INSPECT my INNER LIFE.  As in:

You obviously DO care about that, so why? What about that is it that you care?

Anyways, I’ve been asking myself that question a lot lately.  “Why do you care about that?”

Peace, y’all.

Remember a few years ago, me going on about being grateful for certain things in my life?  I haven’t forgotten about that.  Unfortunately as life has progressed and gotten more “normal,” my focus shifts to different things now.  But every once in a while, something happens to remind me that I have a lot to be grateful for.  Case in point….

Andrew is in the process of finding a new place to live.  The owners of the house he’s been renting for several years now have finally decided to sell it, which means he has to find a new place to live.  Not ideal, but not exactly the end of times either.  So, Andrew’s been looking around diligently.  I’ve been supportive throughout this, and I try to remind him that this is a chance for a brand new start.  I think he’s beginning to get excited about the possibilities too.

Now here’s where the gratitude pops in– he said something to me the other day regarding this search, and it was so sweet, so sensitive, so kind, in that he was worried what the people who are renting out their places might think if he looked at their place and then decided not to rent there. It just made me grateful to know that I have a man in my life who is kind and sensitive to others.  Now granted, in this case, it’s probably ok if he’s not exactly “nice” about renting a place he wants, but it struck me nonetheless.

So even though it’s a minor point, I am very grateful to have a kind man in my life, who DOES think of others.  It’s a nice feeling.

Man, I am tired today.  My old dog has really been pushing the envelope in terms of responsibility and management.  I won’t get into details, but these days, I have to sleep lightly, one ear open at all times, in the event I have to leap from bed to take care of an immediate need.  I miss having a full night’s sleep.

I also noticed this weekend something that really… bothered me.  I was out shopping on Saturday, getting a last minute gift for a friend’s birthday.  I was waiting in line to pay for an item at Nordstrom.  Now I understand that Nordstrom is considered a higher-end department store, and along with that, you will see people who like to flaunt their money.  This economy is still in the shitter of course, so it’s still a bit weird when I see ostentatious wealth.  So I’m standing in line, and there are two, for lack of a better word, barstools at the cash register.  Two older wealthy women are each sitting on a stool.  Both have unnaturally colored hair, a minimum of three rings with giant gemstones, and casually having a conversation while the cashier rings up close to $1000 worth of merchandise.  I don’t why it bothered me, but it did.  It was the whole juxtaposition of casual dialogue with being “waited on” and not really paying attention to what that final bill was going to ring up, while I patiently wait to pay for my $25 item.  I don’t begrudge people’s wealth or success, but sometimes it really hits me how much of a disparity there is in this country, at least.  And it’s a bit tiresome really.

So contrast that with yesterday afternoon.  I’m sitting in my house with a friend, and we’re working on her website.  We both were in my office working away, and heard a strange noise.  As it turns out, it was my old dog kicking in her sleep, but while I was checking on that, I noticed someone walking up to my front door.  They rang and knocked twice.  I glanced out the window, and living on my own, I rarely open the door for strangers.  This was definitely a stranger.  It was a middle-aged woman, wearing a long coat.  She was looking at a cell phone, but she was also visibly shaking.  My first assumption was that she was a tweaker.  Needless to say I didn’t open the door, and watched her walk down my driveway and away.  I looked to see if she would go to my next-door neighbor’s house, but no, she just kept on her way.  It was weird.

So again, that difference… there’s the meth-freak knocking on my door, and then there’s the two wealthy women at Nordstrom.  I’ve always felt that I’ve always been pretty middle-class, but is it true that it’s really shrinking and fading away in the United States?  It’s a scary idea to me.